Top 10 Things I have learned in the last 33 years

It's a new year, and in the wake of the disappointment that flows from yet another decade passing without a flying car or my own lightsaber I have decided to take stock of my life. What have I learned in the last three decades on this planet that will equip me for the future? What follows are some life lessons and observations that are sure to come in handy. For convenience sake I have whittled the list down to the top ten.

#10 Time travel is only possible after reaching 88 mph.

Why 88 mph? I don't know, but it sure seemed fast back in 1985. Reaching 88 mph now doesn't seem like such a difficult task, finding a running Delorean however does.

#9 Sometimes rap music can unite an entire country

Big Mac, Mc DLT, a Quarter-Pounder with some cheese
Fillet-o-Fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a Happy Meal
Mcnuggets, tasty golden french fries, regular and larger size
And salads, chef or garden, or a chicken salad oriental
Big Big Breakfast, Egg Mcmuffin, hot hotcakes and sausage
Maybe biscuits, bacon, egg and cheese and sausage, danish, hashbrown too, and for dessert hot apple pies and sundaes three varieties.

A soft serve cone, three kinds of shakes, and chocolately-chip cookies, and to drink a Coca-Cola, Diet Coke, an orange drink, a Sprite, a coffee (decaf too) a lowfat milk also an orange juice.

I love Mcdonald's good time great taste
And I get this all at one place!
The good time, great taste... of McDonald's...

#8 Alf was just a puppet.

I took this one hard. Until NASA can find a way to get us off this rock and a little closer to Melmac we will have to continue to rely on Chinese food joints to control the feral cat population.

#7 I kind of miss the Soviets

I would rather have the U.S.S.R. than terrorists. Terrorists are "Tom Cruise crazy." Sure we were all afraid of the Russians and their nuclear arsenal, but in the end - despite what Red Dawn taught us - the Soviets weren't anymore interested in total nuclear destruction than we were.

Okay, so maybe the gulags were a bad idea, and communism wasn't so great, but think of all the things the Soviet Union made better. War movies, James Bond, Olympic ice hockey, defection stories . . . all better under Soviet rule. Let's face it, James Bond sucks now. I miss the arrogance of American 1980's war movies. The fall of the Soviet Union all but ruined Chuck Norris's movie career.

#6 In the future no one will work. We will all have lucrative sponsorship deals with fast food restaurants.

So it's come to this. Jared & Christine duke it out to be the king or queen of fast food weight loss. Who will win the title of healthiest unhealthy food - Subway or Taco Bell? My goal for 2010 is to gain 50lbs and then lose it in 6 months by eating only 1 Baconator(R) a day and nothing else. My hope is that Wendy's will then offer me piles of money to extoll the virtues of their healthy cuisine making me the king of fast food weight loss.

#5 It always rains while I am taking out the trash.

I could live in the middle of the Mohave and it would still rain every Tuesday evening. Rain on "trash night" is as predictable and reliable as the atomic clock in Boulder, CO. If the Mayan's had a trash day on any of their hundreds of calendars the symbol would be one of me, drenched to the bone and holding a hefty bag full of dirty diapers and empty SlimFast cans.

To be continued