Auto Eulogies Redux

Earlier I wrote about one man's tribute to his savings account. A tribute that came in the form of a simple sticker on the back of his SUV. The touching tale of how this man lost his savings in the great stock market crash of 2008 still resonates with everyone who sees his shiny SUV.

Yesterday I saw something that took auto eulogies to a new level. We've all seen them . . . "In memory of [insert loved one's name here]." Yesterday as I pulled into work at the secret underground Woodcraft World Wide Headquarters my eyes were pulled to the rear window of a white SUV in he parking lot. In tiny white letters it said, "In memory of Trixie." My first thought was, "oh, how sad," but then I realized that Trixie is a dog, was a dog - or had been a dog.

I love my dog, but when he dies you won't find me eulogizing him on the rear window of my Jeep. I will do the respectful thing and stuff him - that way he'll always be around for me to pet.

Last night I finished the internet.

There are many sites I regularly visit. These sites run the gamut from online retailers to message boards. Most of the really good stuff on the internet I have already found. Every morning I check out Woot, all of the Woot sites actually, to see what incredible deal I'm most likely not going to take advantage of. I swing by Fark to see what news I might have missed. I stop by Found to see what somebody else left behind. I make a stop by The Smoking Gun to make sure no one I know has been arrested in a stupid tee shirt. There are about 15 - 20 other sites that I'll venture to throughout the day as well - not counting the one I work for (woodcraft.com).

As a professional Web designer, I spend a great deal of the day on the internet. And in case you're wondering, the internet is wicked large. The author Douglas Adams wrote in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that,

"Space is big - really big - you just won't believe how vastly, hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. You may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space."

That pretty much sums up the way you should look at the World Wide Web.

Scientists have theories about the end of the universe. They claim that the universe is ever expanding and that at some point, like a giant elastic underwear band, the universe will snap back and cease to exist. I now believe that the internet may suffer the same fate.

Last night, for the first time, I may have finished the internet. After a decade and a half of visiting an endless hodgepodge of sites I very nearly ran out of internet around 9:30 pm est. Much like the brave explorers of the 15 century that sailed without fear towards the "edge of the earth," I briefly saw the end, and then lost it. For a few precious seconds I realized I had managed to see everything of any importance and I was forced to be patient, and wait for them to make more internet.

Thankfully, I awoke this morning to find that the internet gods had indeed replenished the internet with lousy homemade videos, canceled television shows, public domain photos of upside-down dogs, left behind shopping lists and bags of crap. All was right with the World Wide Web.

I love Web cams.

My daughter made this very short movie with my MacBook Pro. Good times, good times.

Lead, follow or loiter.

For the two of you that read this blog I have added the Followers Gadget to the left side of the page. Boost my self esteem by pretending to care!

I hereby promise (for the benefit of the dozens of you foaming at the mouth to follow this super informative blog) to continue to waste your time. At no time will I ever post anything even remotely useful, informative or coherent. I promise poor grammar and often crappy spelling. If at anytime I actually manage to entertain you, turn your computer off and toss it in the trash.

The Auto Eulogy

Everyone has seen them, those vinyl tributes to a lost loved one on the rear window of an SUV. Maybe it's a 9-11 rememberance or "Gone to Race in a Better Place." Those white vinyl eulogies, posted like a billboard for all to see, are a tiny [or sometimes large] view into the driver's world. In a bumper sticker crazy country, these brave individuals chose to rebuff the bumper and adorn their rear windows instead.

Perhaps they've lost a loved one recently. Sometimes these vinyl "shout-outs" reveal that a loved one was ripped from them too soon. Today I saw one such auto eulogy. A tribute to something near and dear to the driver - something that was ripped from him far too soon.

He was middle-aged, perhaps in his early 60's. The black tint on the rear window of his new red Hummer H3 provided the perfect contrast to the tiny white vinyl euolgy posted just above the spare wheel. It read:

In memory of my savings account

1997-2007

One can only imagine this poor man's pain. Only a handful of months ago he was poised for retirement. He was wrapping up the payments on that beach house at Hilton Head. He was ready to sharpen his golf game and had made a down payment on a red golf cart shaped like a tiny Hummer. No doubt his wife's tan, already a bottled golden hue, was beach ready. She was prepared to start a little candle making business. But then . . . [dum dum dum] in a flash - the ring of a bell - it was all ripped from them. The house, the golf, the tan (well maybe not the tan) all gone with the wind.

The one thing the market couldn't take from him (other than his wife's new orange glow) was his sense of humor and maybe the $11.95 he spent on his auto tribute to an old friend.

Rest in peace savings. You will be missed.

Why only green beer?

St. Patrick's Day is upon us. I can tell by the steady flow of emails in my inbox from the NFL trying to sell me a green Steelers jersey. Why I would actually want a green Steelers jersey, when football season is well over with by the time March rolls around, still escapes me. Although, I do find myself eyeing a pretty cool and very green Pittsburgh Penguins hat.

Other "signs of the season" are everywhere too. Walmart is packed with irreverent "Kiss me I'm Irish" boxer shorts and a sea of kelly green pajama pants with the Lucky Charms® guy on them. Local bars are starting to extoll the virtues of Irish nachos (basically cheese fries with salsa) and the one thing that St. Patrick's Day (SPD) couldn't exist without - green beer.

Green beer is arguably the only really good thing about SPD. It is also a bit of an enigma. Even beer elitists have to admit that the novelty of green beer makes even crappy light beers seem that much more palatable. What else but SPD's secret weapon could make you forget your Old Style, Guinness or your favorite craft beers?

"Black and tan? No thanks, I'll have some of that Natural Light with green food coloring."

All this green beer has got me thinking. Why is it that we only color our beer in honor of SPD? We don't even get the day off work. Nobody ever wastes a vacation day on SPD. Nobody gets or gives presents. Nobody comes down the chimney. No giant rabbit leaving eggs full of M&Ms. So why do we color our beer for only SPD?

I'm all for comparing apples to apples so let's start our comparison with a somewhat congruent holiday - Halloween. We don't get the day off. It is a mainly adult holiday - sure the kids gets trick or treat - but let's be honest, it's a drinking holiday. So, where are the black and orange beers? Okay, some beers are already sort of orange-ish and Guinness is kind of black, but that doesn't count. Why aren't we taking crappy cheap beers and dying them? We could even throw some dry ice in there and make them all spooky.

Easter. Hmm, well maybe Easter isn't really a drinking holiday. But all the same, wouldn't it be fun to see pastel pilsners next the rack of lamb? Deviled eggs go great with beer.

Here's a good one - Fourth of July. Five words: red, white and blue beer.

I've had pumpkin beer. I guess that might sort-of count, so I'll give Turkey Day a bit of a pass. Beers are all sort of fall colored anyway.

Now we come to the mother of all holidays, and half of the work is already done. If someone were going to draft a plan for Christmas colored beers, one would assume that red and green would be the colors of choice. We already have experience with the latter, as I said, half of the work is already done. Now all we need is a little red food coloring in the Miller Light and we're off! I just can't see why this hasn't taken off.

Everyone takes the week after Christmas off - whether they actually attend work or not. There are all kinds of office parties, family Christmas parties and dinners. Throw in the fact that New Years comes practically packaged with Christmas and we are missing some serious opportunities to color our beer.

So, next week, when you're downing that clover colored Coors Light remember the holidays that don't get colored beer and try not to drop any of the cheese from your Irish nachos on your new Lucky Charms® pj's.

35 Calorie "Bread"

No sir, I don't like it.

For those that know me, it is no surprise that I would like to lose a few pounds. One of the weapons in my arsenal is 35 calorie "bread." For those of you that do not know what 35 calorie "bread" is, I present the following:

Let me start off with the fact that 35 calorie "bread" is only bread in the academic sense. I believe that the only reason bread makers (henceforth known as they) can get away with calling it bread is that they have found a way to attach bread crust to air. The crust, I believe, is the only part of the 35 calorie "bread" that is actually bread. It is also my assertion that all 35 calories dwell within the paper thin crust.

You can use 35 calorie "bread" as a bread substitute when making sandwiches. I would recommend against it and contend that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich would taste just a good on a spoon or straight out of the jar. PLUS you would be saving 35 calories.

IMPORTANT: Do not try to make toast with 35 calorie "bread"

Even the lightest settings on any toaster actually vaporizes the "bread" leaving only the crisp charred remains of the now brittle crust. Any attempt to make french toast from 35 calorie "bread" is done purely at your own risk. Actually, 35 calorie "bread" and the French have a lot in common. There's not much under their crust and nobody really wants them around.

Putting syrup on 35 calorie "french toast" is like pouring syrup on scrambled eggs and sawdust. Don't waste good syrup on this "toast." But then, if your are actually eating 35 calorie "bread" there is little chance that you are using real maple syrup. If there is one thing that is worse than 35 calorie "bread," it's lite maple flavored syrup. You know you're in for it when the manufacturers won't even use the proper spelling of light (my apologies to Miller Lite, which is actually not bad).

So, if you are looking for a way to lose weight, and you just can't totally give up bread, 35 calorie "bread" is a good substitute but so is eating broken glass.

Follow me on Twitter

Just in case you can't get enough of my crap - you can now get my crap in Tweet form. Follow me on Twitter under my alter ego Pinboy.

I never tell a lie . . . that doesn't benefit me in some way.

Lies. What are lies really? Aren't all really good stories just really good lies? Think about every favorite book, short story, movie, song, poem, comic or religion you may follow - these are all littered with little lies. The fact is, most really interesting things in life don't make good stories unless the truth is stretched a little.

Take for example, my last post on this blog. I promised to post regularly. Well, that was a lie. Admittedly it was a wasted lie, as no one ever read it, but it was still a lie.

Here's another good example:

Ever watch a police television show where the only evidence that can put the bad guys away is a grainy, black and white surveillance tape? You know the story - the detective takes the tape to the department's top forensic computer genius who blows-up and "enhances" the image. The blurry unrecognizable details, having been enhanced to the quality of a Glamour Shot portrait, turn into a perfect photo of the villain.

I have worked with FBI, state and local police on criminal cases before (not a lie). They typically bring in a security tape that is black and white (shows more detail in dim light) and recorded at some ridiculous frame rate that doesn't play back on any machine other than the one that recorded it. Once you find a way to "pull" the image from the tape and make a still out of it they ask you to "enhance it."

Now, there a re a great many things that I can do to an image. This is a real conscience checking moment. I can make an image look like anything you want. . . anything. It is also important to understand that video is totally different from film or even digital photos. Film records in fields and frames. Two fields per frame and at least 24 frames per second. You never get a very good image from a security camera - even in the best conditions. You can get pretty serviceable ones though if you are lucky.

The FBI and police are interested in getting evidence for trial or at least enough to get an indictment. I was often surprised with what they considered "good." I can honestly say that I NEVER saw what it was the FBI or police were looking for. They could see things in these video Rorschach tests I just wasn't able to. They could see guns, eyes, bags, cars, loot - all I could see was a crappy video still trapped between two fields, heavily edited by Photoshop filters and "enhanced" by law enforcement imagination.

What does all this mean? If your favorite prime-time police show featured the actual limits of video enhancement technology the Crockett and Tubbs would have never got their man - unless the bad guy broke down and confessed on the stand. But that's the topic of another post.

Police dramas have to stretch the truth to make it interesting. The truth? Real police work is often slow and boring. Not every ER doctor is a crack addict and in love with their patients. It isn't always the blue wire that needs to be cut. People don't always come out of comas. A vicious bang to the head doesn't reverse amnesia. Duck season and rabbit season are not at the same time. Real monsters are not confused by dogs dressed as hair dressers. Spongebob is in fact a dish sponge made of foam and Jared didn't really lose all of that weight eating only Subway.

Where would we be without lies? Bored and without Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Coke Classic.

The moral of the story? I promise to post more often and be more entertaining in the future. . . or do I?