The Auto Eulogy

Everyone has seen them, those vinyl tributes to a lost loved one on the rear window of an SUV. Maybe it's a 9-11 rememberance or "Gone to Race in a Better Place." Those white vinyl eulogies, posted like a billboard for all to see, are a tiny [or sometimes large] view into the driver's world. In a bumper sticker crazy country, these brave individuals chose to rebuff the bumper and adorn their rear windows instead.

Perhaps they've lost a loved one recently. Sometimes these vinyl "shout-outs" reveal that a loved one was ripped from them too soon. Today I saw one such auto eulogy. A tribute to something near and dear to the driver - something that was ripped from him far too soon.

He was middle-aged, perhaps in his early 60's. The black tint on the rear window of his new red Hummer H3 provided the perfect contrast to the tiny white vinyl euolgy posted just above the spare wheel. It read:

In memory of my savings account

1997-2007

One can only imagine this poor man's pain. Only a handful of months ago he was poised for retirement. He was wrapping up the payments on that beach house at Hilton Head. He was ready to sharpen his golf game and had made a down payment on a red golf cart shaped like a tiny Hummer. No doubt his wife's tan, already a bottled golden hue, was beach ready. She was prepared to start a little candle making business. But then . . . [dum dum dum] in a flash - the ring of a bell - it was all ripped from them. The house, the golf, the tan (well maybe not the tan) all gone with the wind.

The one thing the market couldn't take from him (other than his wife's new orange glow) was his sense of humor and maybe the $11.95 he spent on his auto tribute to an old friend.

Rest in peace savings. You will be missed.

Why only green beer?

St. Patrick's Day is upon us. I can tell by the steady flow of emails in my inbox from the NFL trying to sell me a green Steelers jersey. Why I would actually want a green Steelers jersey, when football season is well over with by the time March rolls around, still escapes me. Although, I do find myself eyeing a pretty cool and very green Pittsburgh Penguins hat.

Other "signs of the season" are everywhere too. Walmart is packed with irreverent "Kiss me I'm Irish" boxer shorts and a sea of kelly green pajama pants with the Lucky Charms® guy on them. Local bars are starting to extoll the virtues of Irish nachos (basically cheese fries with salsa) and the one thing that St. Patrick's Day (SPD) couldn't exist without - green beer.

Green beer is arguably the only really good thing about SPD. It is also a bit of an enigma. Even beer elitists have to admit that the novelty of green beer makes even crappy light beers seem that much more palatable. What else but SPD's secret weapon could make you forget your Old Style, Guinness or your favorite craft beers?

"Black and tan? No thanks, I'll have some of that Natural Light with green food coloring."

All this green beer has got me thinking. Why is it that we only color our beer in honor of SPD? We don't even get the day off work. Nobody ever wastes a vacation day on SPD. Nobody gets or gives presents. Nobody comes down the chimney. No giant rabbit leaving eggs full of M&Ms. So why do we color our beer for only SPD?

I'm all for comparing apples to apples so let's start our comparison with a somewhat congruent holiday - Halloween. We don't get the day off. It is a mainly adult holiday - sure the kids gets trick or treat - but let's be honest, it's a drinking holiday. So, where are the black and orange beers? Okay, some beers are already sort of orange-ish and Guinness is kind of black, but that doesn't count. Why aren't we taking crappy cheap beers and dying them? We could even throw some dry ice in there and make them all spooky.

Easter. Hmm, well maybe Easter isn't really a drinking holiday. But all the same, wouldn't it be fun to see pastel pilsners next the rack of lamb? Deviled eggs go great with beer.

Here's a good one - Fourth of July. Five words: red, white and blue beer.

I've had pumpkin beer. I guess that might sort-of count, so I'll give Turkey Day a bit of a pass. Beers are all sort of fall colored anyway.

Now we come to the mother of all holidays, and half of the work is already done. If someone were going to draft a plan for Christmas colored beers, one would assume that red and green would be the colors of choice. We already have experience with the latter, as I said, half of the work is already done. Now all we need is a little red food coloring in the Miller Light and we're off! I just can't see why this hasn't taken off.

Everyone takes the week after Christmas off - whether they actually attend work or not. There are all kinds of office parties, family Christmas parties and dinners. Throw in the fact that New Years comes practically packaged with Christmas and we are missing some serious opportunities to color our beer.

So, next week, when you're downing that clover colored Coors Light remember the holidays that don't get colored beer and try not to drop any of the cheese from your Irish nachos on your new Lucky Charms® pj's.

35 Calorie "Bread"

No sir, I don't like it.

For those that know me, it is no surprise that I would like to lose a few pounds. One of the weapons in my arsenal is 35 calorie "bread." For those of you that do not know what 35 calorie "bread" is, I present the following:

Let me start off with the fact that 35 calorie "bread" is only bread in the academic sense. I believe that the only reason bread makers (henceforth known as they) can get away with calling it bread is that they have found a way to attach bread crust to air. The crust, I believe, is the only part of the 35 calorie "bread" that is actually bread. It is also my assertion that all 35 calories dwell within the paper thin crust.

You can use 35 calorie "bread" as a bread substitute when making sandwiches. I would recommend against it and contend that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich would taste just a good on a spoon or straight out of the jar. PLUS you would be saving 35 calories.

IMPORTANT: Do not try to make toast with 35 calorie "bread"

Even the lightest settings on any toaster actually vaporizes the "bread" leaving only the crisp charred remains of the now brittle crust. Any attempt to make french toast from 35 calorie "bread" is done purely at your own risk. Actually, 35 calorie "bread" and the French have a lot in common. There's not much under their crust and nobody really wants them around.

Putting syrup on 35 calorie "french toast" is like pouring syrup on scrambled eggs and sawdust. Don't waste good syrup on this "toast." But then, if your are actually eating 35 calorie "bread" there is little chance that you are using real maple syrup. If there is one thing that is worse than 35 calorie "bread," it's lite maple flavored syrup. You know you're in for it when the manufacturers won't even use the proper spelling of light (my apologies to Miller Lite, which is actually not bad).

So, if you are looking for a way to lose weight, and you just can't totally give up bread, 35 calorie "bread" is a good substitute but so is eating broken glass.